The Leadership Skill Hiding in Plain Sight
Strategic plans only work when people truly understand them. I was reminded of this recently while facilitating a strategy workshop. We'd started with the usual forward-looking work, mapping the future, setting direction, but as questions arose about how to actually execute, the conversation shifted.
The team realized that execution requires simplifying complex ideas,actively listening for misconceptions or disagreement, and ensuring alignment before moving forward. And one theme kept surfacing: the most critical leadership skill isn't vision or decisiveness. It's communication, specifically,the ability to listen before you speak.
Hearing vs. Listening
Think back to childhood for a moment. Remember the difference between when a parent said "Do you hear me?" versus "Are you listening to me?"
That first one? In one ear, out the other. But the second one got your attention. It demanded engagement.
The same dynamic plays out in business every day. We hear plenty. But how often are we truly listening?
I learned this lesson firsthand during a conversation where something didn't quite add up. By actively listening, really paying attention, I caught an anomaly in what was being said. It prompted me to ask more profound questions, and those questions revealed that my initial understanding was entirely off. The other person's choice of words had created confusion, but the exploratory questions avoided what could have been a costly mistake. Had I simply heard the words without truly listening, I would have taken the wrong action entirely and likely damaged the trust we'd built.
Removing the Distractions
Here's a simple rule I follow for meaningful interactions in our digital world: phones off, computers off. Not theirs, mine. Why...because I can't actively listen if I'm distracted, while this practice hasn't produced a single dramatic breakthrough, it's done something more valuable: it's signaled to the other person that I'm fully engaged. Over time,that signal built trust, and that trust opened doors to candid conversations about challenges we'd previously avoided in conversation.
The foundation didn't just improve our meetings; it expanded what we could discuss in the first place.
Making People Feel Understood
John Maxwell captures this dynamic beautifully in Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. Maxwell's premise is that effective leadership isn't about power or popularity; it's about making the people around you feel heard, comfortable, and understood. He argues that genuine connection happens on four levels: visual, intellectual, emotional, and verbal. Miss any of those,and you're just transmitting information rather than actually connecting.
When someone feels you're genuinely engaged, that you're listening and trying to understand, they open up. The conversation goes deeper. Your clarifying questions actually move the dialogue forward rather than just filling airtime.
And here's what Maxwell doesn't say explicitly, but his book illustrates perfectly: you're building trust. That's the foundation of effective leadership right there.
The Art of Asking
I am frequently asked about the most common mistake I see leaders make? My response…believing they need to have all the answers. They jump to problem-solving before they've gathered the necessary information. They tell instead of asking. And in doing so, they miss something crucial: understanding perception. When someone shares a problem with you, is what they're describing purely factual, or is it colored by their past experiences? We can all be clouded in judgment by what we've been through before. Asking questions that distinguish between facts and perceptions can be the difference between solving the right problem and the wrong one.
Edgar and Peter Schein explore this in Humble Inquiry, which they describe as "the fine art of drawing someone out, of asking questions to which you do not already know the answer, of building a relationship based on curiosity and interest in the other person." The Scheins argue that we live in a culture of "tell", where leaders, especially, believe their role is to provide answers rather than seek them. But telling puts the other person down. It implies they don't already know what you're sharing, and it shuts down the very dialogue you need to make good decisions. Humble Inquiry flips this dynamic. Instead of jumping to conclusions, you lean into phrases like "Help me understand" or "What do you mean by that?" You use directional questions: What, How, When, Why, Where, not as conversation fillers, but as tools for genuine understanding.
You might ask:
· “Help me understand…”
· “What do you mean by that?”
· “How did you arrive at that?”
· “What else should I know?”
The result? Better information, stronger relationships, and decisions built on what's actually happening rather than what you assumed was happening.
The Bottom Line
Strong leadership doesn't come from having all the answers. It comes from creating space for others to be heard, asking better questions, and building the trust that enables execution.
The next time you're in a conversation, ask yourself: Am I hearing, or am I listening?
